Down the road

Maggie: I love you.

Antoine: …

Maggie: And down the road I’ve learned that there’s no way to love you more, to love you less. I love you as I have always loved you. From the first day when we met, to this day. I love you, Antoine. You always knew that, right?

 

A: I haven’t forgotten the night you visited me at the hospital… when I had that heart attack and my son called you because he thought I was about to die.

M: I would never forget that call. I felt my whole world collapse.

A: I heard him while he was calling you, I told him not to.

M: Why?

A: I’m not sure. I wasn’t sure that I was about to die so I thought there was no point on alarming you. But also, I considered dying, and I wasn’t sure I wanted you to watch me die anyway… I knew how it felt watching someone you love slowly go… and I didn’t wanted that for you.

 

M: So when your wife died…

A: So unfair.

M: True… Judy was amazing.

A: Honestly, she was indeed. Weren’t you jealous of her all this time?

M: Jealous? Not for a second, she had cancer, remember?

A: Don’t be mean, you know what kind of jealous I’m talking about. Not that you wanted her life but maybe…

M: Not. Maybe nothing, my love.

 

M: Remember when you had your first kid?

A: As if it were yesterday.

M: You were such a dork back in the days.

A: What you mean by “a dork”?

M: You know! Adorable but kind of dump haha

A: Kind of dump! What a thing to say!

M: Don’t sweat it, boy! All men are dorks when they are new parents.

A: I guess so… I must admit it’s one of the scariest yet most amusing parts of life.

M: Being a new parent… So many feelings, fears, dreams…

A: Now you are being a dork…

M: Ha! Is there any other way to be a parent?

 

M: Ugh, the divorce. Remember my divorce? I always wonder why I married him in the first place.

A: Because you had his kid.

M: Yes, right, that’s the logical answer but that wasn’t it. I had options. I could have chosen to be a single mother or abortion!

A: You couldn’t possibly, you were too proud of yourself to give anyone a chance to judge you.

M: Can’t deny it… I tried so hard to make it look like that was all I wanted: a family, a husband, a kid…

A: Though it wasn’t.

M: You were the only one who ever knew the truth.

A: That it was a mistake? That you, Maggie-the-perfect, messed up?

M: I didn’t even admit it to my mother. I regret that so much, you know?

A: Never ever told her?

M: Never-ever told anyone but you.

A: Woah… why? You know that humans do make mistakes, right Maggie?

M: Not me, you said it, Maggie-the-perfect… I couldn’t deal with it any other way. I couldn’t believe I had messed up my whole damn life in one night.

A: So you weren’t just lying to everyone… you were also lying to yourself.

M: Saying that it had been my intention to have that kid made me feel less stupid. I knew what everyone was thinking: poor stupid girl who felt in love with his professor and got pregnant. Such a cliché! Oh no, sir, I wasn’t going to be that stupid kiddo. No way. I had to do it. I had to affirm that I had everything under control, I was so decided to turn it all around… but how little I knew, ha… Anyway, even if I now regret it, I know it was the only thing that helped me go through it at that moment.

A: Lying?

M: Stop saying that I lied. I said that that was part of the plan to get me where I wanted and it actually did, by marrying Charles, a well known writer, a Chicago Tribune columnist, a professor of the Art Institute of Chicago, I got included in the top writing circles and God knows if without that green-card as a husband I would had made it to where I did.

A: You certainly would have, Maggie. Don’t fool yourself now, it’s been so long and there’s no wrong in admitting a past mistake.

 

M: And college; those million classes we had together… Ugh so painful.

A: Shut up, you still loved me then.

M: Of course I did, that’s why it was so painful

A: Well, I hated you, that’s why it was painful for me.

M: Why did you hate me?

A: You know well the answer. Or shall I say, the answer’s name…

 

A: Remember that Halloween we wore matching costumes and we strolled through the city the whole day long wearing them …

M: Don’t…

A: …Our trip to the cemetery, the “trick and treat” part, all the candy we stole from those kids and…

M: Don’t bring back that memory, Antoine, please!

A: …the party we crashed when the night came, what we did before it got us to jail for the first time! And I recall you were so afraid, and for the first time also I was the brave one, I stood up to the cop just as I did to your parents later that night.

M: …

A: Well, I guess you remember… Say something. You can’t deny it was so good.

M: Doesn’t it bother you to remember it was?

A: Bothers me? Why would it? Every time I think about it, I smile.

M: But it’s not a happiness smile, it’s a nostalgic smile, my dear.

A: What’s the difference? I smile because it was good.

M: Well, that’s why it bothers me so much. It was so good but so ephemeral. For so long it represented everything I would miss in the time to come… That was the day I felt alive for the first time, the day I knew what love was, what freedom felt like, while being behind that mask, not being me but a different self, I realized how it felt not to care about what others think, and what it meant having someone to trust, being sure that someone would have your back no matter what, not being afraid. I’ve never felt that way again, and that’s why I can’t bear to remember that day. It was one in a million; I’ve never had a day like that before, and I’ve never had a day like that after.

 

A: Have you realized that they day we broke up… was the day it all started?

M: …

A: When you called me at 3 am after that big, stupid fight… and you told me you loved me and that you just wanted to make it clear that it was because of all that love that you were choosing to let me go.

M: Wasn’t the Halloween adventure before our break up?

A: No. But you know that. I loved you more when we broke up.

M: You loved me more when you didn’t have me, what a shame, all men are the same.

A: Halloween was two months after our break up, we had started talking again a few weeks before…

M: I know… And I also remember I told you I wanted to do something for Halloween…

A: And I knew how much you loved Halloween

M: So instead of just suggesting a normal thing to do, scary-movies marathon, trick or treat night…

A: I planned the whole thing. Well, except for the cops part.

M: Oh! So you planned the party crashing and the pot and…

A: Before you accuse me of planning our first time too, I must assure you that was just a silver linning!

M: I don’t believe you.

A: I don’t need you to believe me, I’ve never had.

M: So back to the point, seems like I was right again.

A: What are you talking about?

M: About letting you go. You just said that was the day when it all started.

A: Oh no, if you hadn’t let me go everything would have happened anyway but more nicely.

M: You know it wouldn’t. We wouldn’t have passed from the high-school-sweethearts label.

A: So what you are saying is you were damn sure that by breaking my heart we could go past that label to what was about to unfold between us, a lifetime relationship.

M: Damn sure I was, you are right.

A: You’re wicked. And you are heartless… yet you called me that night saying you loved me.

M: I called you at 3 am that night because I knew you hated me at that moment but I wanted to make sure that you’ll love me down the road.

A: …

M: And now… that we’ve been down the road, darling… would you say you love me?

A: …

M: Do you, Antoine?

A: I hate… I hate to do this. But I guess I must admit you were right all this time… Yes, you were always right, Maggie. And I love you.

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Waiting for…

I’m not sure what am I still waiting for… for you to call? For you to say “hello” the next time we cross paths? A text? An inbox? A DM? am I still waiting for you?

Truth is I have tried to move on, not to think about you, not to try and work you into the conversation every time I’m having a coffee with my friends, not to remember what you told me when we first met while I’m trying to concentrate on a test, not to miss your kisses when I’m trying to sleep at night… But it’s too hard. Because pretending is hard. Lying is hard.

I miss you. I can get over you.

Not yet.

I often think that I should have tried harder, I should have been the one who called you, asked you out one more time, told you that I loved you before you said goodbye.

But the little logic that my brain still beholds, reminds me that you didn’t want me to try at all, you weren’t waiting for my call, you wouldn’t want to go out one more time because if you had wanted so you would have said “hi” that one time we saw each other at a bar. But you didn’t want to.

What am I still waiting for?

I guess you were the last one… I gotta find somebody new, someone different to wait on. Because, honestly, I don’t even know what am I still waiting for.

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10/12

 

A pocos meses de que termine el año es imposible dejar de lado el sentimiento de nostalgia que acompaña los recuerdos de todo lo que hemos vivido hasta ahora.

Sobrevivimos nueve meses de cambios y transformaciones que sin duda han moldeado una nueva parte de nuestra personalidad para dejar en el pasado al “yo” que fuimos cuando iniciaba este 2016. Quizá algunos de estos cambios hayan sido muy notorios y hayan tenido un impacto proporcional en nuestra vida, pero seguramente habrá muchos otros que no podemos ni recordar en qué momento aparecieron o se formaron pero que sin duda nos hacen sentir que ya no somos los mimos…

LISTEN ~

Resultado de imagen para 22 a millionÁlbum: 22, A Million

Artista: Bon Iver

Canción favorita: 00000 million

 

Resultado de imagen para orange frank ocean

Álbum: channel ORANGE

Artista: Frank Ocean

Canción favorita: Pilot Jones

 

Álbum:  Resultado de imagen para i like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it albumI like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it

Artista: The 1975

Canción favorita: If I Believe You

 

A pesar de todo, no creo que ninguno de nosotros haya cambiado realmente en este periodo, solo confío en que todos hayamos evolucionado (aunque sea un poco). A estas alturas no tiene sentido arrepentirnos de lo que hicimos ayer, pues todas esas experiencias pasadas son las que nos formaron. Sin embargo, en esta época y con su cambio de clima que comienza a orillarnos a buscar otro tipo de calidez diferente a la que ofrece el sol, la nostalgia persiste como la alternativa para revivir lo mejor de nuestro año pero sin otorgarnos el poder de hacer ningún cambio, sin dejar de ser un observador, siendo una persona distinta a la que vivió en los recuerdos que nos quedan, quizá ahora vemos desde otra perspectiva las locuras que cometimos y que en ese momento parecían acciones cuerdas…

SEE ~

Tour de cine francés 2016

Resultado de imagen para un homme a la hauteur Resultado de imagen para lolo movie Resultado de imagen para l'étudiante et monsieur henri

Finalmente, para acompañar esta nostalgia, que es más poética y figurada que literal, iniciamos el décimo mes del año observando cómo el color naranja se apodera de todo (ignorando los artículos Navideños que abundan ya en las tiendas), lo encontramos principalmente en los estereotípicos símbolos del otoño: calabazas, hojas secas y las famosas Lunas de Octubre.

Según la psicología del color, el naranja “con frecuencia es garantía de emociones fuertes” y espero que así sea, que pronto dejemos de lado la nostalgia del pasado para recibir nuevas emociones, vivir nuevas experiencias y conocer nuevas personas que nos sorprendan. Y espero que sigamos evolucionando juntos para que el próximo otoño cuando miremos atrás y veamos cuánto hemos cambiado, recibamos con gusto a la nostalgia solo una vez más.

TASTE ~

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About POP songs!

What I dislike about pop songs:

1. They change the rhythm all of a sudden and they give all their (sometimes trashy) sound effects more importance than the lyrics, the meaning or the chords themselves.

2. Their singers voices seem usually so damn perfect that you stop getting the human conection or the natural vibe of listening someone sharing their truest and deepest thoughts instead it seems that a computer (auto tune) was programmed to read some kind of poem in which the author abused of copy-paste in his paragraphs.

3. (btw) The everlasting chorus or verses repetition. There should be a law that prohibited releasing songs with less than two paragraphs of original lyrics or that uses more than 6 times the same word because repeating that much makes it all silly and pointless at the end.
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What I like about pop songs:

1. They always find the ideal beat that gets stuck in your head because it’s simple, short and repetitive.

2. They wouldn’t be pop songs if they didn’t have a group bridge with “nanana’s” or hand clapping. An applause to that!

3.When they make popular culture references, for example to rock bands, artists or brands. It makes you feel more related when you know exactly what they are singing about even if they’re cliché references.

He #2

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– for you

No, no, wait! I didn’t ask for any cupcake.

– yeah I know you didn’t, he did… for you

– Who did?

– Me. Hi. / Oh and thanks, man. I take it from here

– Wait! No, I can’t accept it. Is his not mine, sorry.

– ugh so…

– Leave it, if she doesn’t eat it I will.

Oh well, sounds fair.

– uh great, enjoy your dessert…

– Thanks

– Thank you

– So are you really not gonna eat it?

You shouldn’t have bought me anything. Dude, I don’t even know you and…

– Oh I had to, I’ve seen you before

– What?

– Don’t freak out, let me explain myself!

– Wait, are you a stalker or something?

– What? No, no, never, is just… May I have a seat?

– Uh, well, if then you’ll explain…Yeah, yeah, sit. But give a minute to get this done. I was doing some homework but I’m afraid this chat could take longer.

Ha, take your time I didn’t mean to disturb you.

– No, don’t worry! I mean, a cupcake can’t be sooo disturbing whatsoever ha *types* Ok, done. Now explain: who are you?

– Sure I’ll do. It won’t take so long! My name is Mark, I study at NYU and I come here often. Here is where I’ve seen you before but you’re always working or reading so you never notice me. I mean neither me nor anybody else… Not judging, I actually admire how focus can you be! Anyway, the last time I saw you was like three weeks ago, you were sitting right here smiling at your computer. I was asking for my coffee at the counter but I couldn´t stop staring at you. I thought it was weird, I mean it in a good way completely, because lately is weird to see people smiling and even more if they’re smiling to their computer…

– haha so you couldn’t stop staring at me? Then I guess I was right about you. You’re just a stalker!

– What? No, come on! haha I was surprised, almost bewitched by your smile and honestly I couldn’t get you out of my mind that whole weekend. I regretted that I didn’t talk to you that day that’s why today when I finally saw you again, sitting here, I had to.

You had to buy me food?

– No, ha, I had to talk to you… and also I thought your coffee looked kind of lonely.

– Oh! Haha, now I see. And… Why did you choose a red velvet cupcake?

– Don’t you like it?

– Should you know that?

– I’m afraid of having made a bad choice

– Don’t be, you didn’t. Actually I’m the one who is afraid because you made just the perfect choice…

– Seriously?

You could ask the waiter, even though it isn´t necessary but I always ask for red velvet cupcakes.

– Always?

When I got enough money, I do ha

haha so that’s why you thought I was a stalker? I swear this was just luck!

Yeah, well great then.

– Hey I have to ask, are you single?

haha If i’m not…I can´t eat the cupcake?

– No, no, it’s all yours, just the truth.

Well… let me see *bites cupcake* mmm totally single!

haha so single must be a synonym of hungry… Just kidding! I’m glad because… I’ve been dying to tell you… that I love you.

– Wait, love? No, I’m sorry. What? Sorry, I guess I’m still one of does crazy people who actually laugh when they write “LOL” and who mean it when they say I love you. And boy, you don’t even know me so don’t say you love me.

 

Fer S.