Down the road

Maggie: I love you.

Antoine: …

Maggie: And down the road I’ve learned that there’s no way to love you more, to love you less. I love you as I have always loved you. From the first day when we met, to this day. I love you, Antoine. You always knew that, right?

 

A: I haven’t forgotten the night you visited me at the hospital… when I had that heart attack and my son called you because he thought I was about to die.

M: I would never forget that call. I felt my whole world collapse.

A: I heard him while he was calling you, I told him not to.

M: Why?

A: I’m not sure. I wasn’t sure that I was about to die so I thought there was no point on alarming you. But also, I considered dying, and I wasn’t sure I wanted you to watch me die anyway… I knew how it felt watching someone you love slowly go… and I didn’t wanted that for you.

 

M: So when your wife died…

A: So unfair.

M: True… Judy was amazing.

A: Honestly, she was indeed. Weren’t you jealous of her all this time?

M: Jealous? Not for a second, she had cancer, remember?

A: Don’t be mean, you know what kind of jealous I’m talking about. Not that you wanted her life but maybe…

M: Not. Maybe nothing, my love.

 

M: Remember when you had your first kid?

A: As if it were yesterday.

M: You were such a dork back in the days.

A: What you mean by “a dork”?

M: You know! Adorable but kind of dump haha

A: Kind of dump! What a thing to say!

M: Don’t sweat it, boy! All men are dorks when they are new parents.

A: I guess so… I must admit it’s one of the scariest yet most amusing parts of life.

M: Being a new parent… So many feelings, fears, dreams…

A: Now you are being a dork…

M: Ha! Is there any other way to be a parent?

 

M: Ugh, the divorce. Remember my divorce? I always wonder why I married him in the first place.

A: Because you had his kid.

M: Yes, right, that’s the logical answer but that wasn’t it. I had options. I could have chosen to be a single mother or abortion!

A: You couldn’t possibly, you were too proud of yourself to give anyone a chance to judge you.

M: Can’t deny it… I tried so hard to make it look like that was all I wanted: a family, a husband, a kid…

A: Though it wasn’t.

M: You were the only one who ever knew the truth.

A: That it was a mistake? That you, Maggie-the-perfect, messed up?

M: I didn’t even admit it to my mother. I regret that so much, you know?

A: Never ever told her?

M: Never-ever told anyone but you.

A: Woah… why? You know that humans do make mistakes, right Maggie?

M: Not me, you said it, Maggie-the-perfect… I couldn’t deal with it any other way. I couldn’t believe I had messed up my whole damn life in one night.

A: So you weren’t just lying to everyone… you were also lying to yourself.

M: Saying that it had been my intention to have that kid made me feel less stupid. I knew what everyone was thinking: poor stupid girl who felt in love with his professor and got pregnant. Such a cliché! Oh no, sir, I wasn’t going to be that stupid kiddo. No way. I had to do it. I had to affirm that I had everything under control, I was so decided to turn it all around… but how little I knew, ha… Anyway, even if I now regret it, I know it was the only thing that helped me go through it at that moment.

A: Lying?

M: Stop saying that I lied. I said that that was part of the plan to get me where I wanted and it actually did, by marrying Charles, a well known writer, a Chicago Tribune columnist, a professor of the Art Institute of Chicago, I got included in the top writing circles and God knows if without that green-card as a husband I would had made it to where I did.

A: You certainly would have, Maggie. Don’t fool yourself now, it’s been so long and there’s no wrong in admitting a past mistake.

 

M: And college; those million classes we had together… Ugh so painful.

A: Shut up, you still loved me then.

M: Of course I did, that’s why it was so painful

A: Well, I hated you, that’s why it was painful for me.

M: Why did you hate me?

A: You know well the answer. Or shall I say, the answer’s name…

 

A: Remember that Halloween we wore matching costumes and we strolled through the city the whole day long wearing them …

M: Don’t…

A: …Our trip to the cemetery, the “trick and treat” part, all the candy we stole from those kids and…

M: Don’t bring back that memory, Antoine, please!

A: …the party we crashed when the night came, what we did before it got us to jail for the first time! And I recall you were so afraid, and for the first time also I was the brave one, I stood up to the cop just as I did to your parents later that night.

M: …

A: Well, I guess you remember… Say something. You can’t deny it was so good.

M: Doesn’t it bother you to remember it was?

A: Bothers me? Why would it? Every time I think about it, I smile.

M: But it’s not a happiness smile, it’s a nostalgic smile, my dear.

A: What’s the difference? I smile because it was good.

M: Well, that’s why it bothers me so much. It was so good but so ephemeral. For so long it represented everything I would miss in the time to come… That was the day I felt alive for the first time, the day I knew what love was, what freedom felt like, while being behind that mask, not being me but a different self, I realized how it felt not to care about what others think, and what it meant having someone to trust, being sure that someone would have your back no matter what, not being afraid. I’ve never felt that way again, and that’s why I can’t bear to remember that day. It was one in a million; I’ve never had a day like that before, and I’ve never had a day like that after.

 

A: Have you realized that they day we broke up… was the day it all started?

M: …

A: When you called me at 3 am after that big, stupid fight… and you told me you loved me and that you just wanted to make it clear that it was because of all that love that you were choosing to let me go.

M: Wasn’t the Halloween adventure before our break up?

A: No. But you know that. I loved you more when we broke up.

M: You loved me more when you didn’t have me, what a shame, all men are the same.

A: Halloween was two months after our break up, we had started talking again a few weeks before…

M: I know… And I also remember I told you I wanted to do something for Halloween…

A: And I knew how much you loved Halloween

M: So instead of just suggesting a normal thing to do, scary-movies marathon, trick or treat night…

A: I planned the whole thing. Well, except for the cops part.

M: Oh! So you planned the party crashing and the pot and…

A: Before you accuse me of planning our first time too, I must assure you that was just a silver linning!

M: I don’t believe you.

A: I don’t need you to believe me, I’ve never had.

M: So back to the point, seems like I was right again.

A: What are you talking about?

M: About letting you go. You just said that was the day when it all started.

A: Oh no, if you hadn’t let me go everything would have happened anyway but more nicely.

M: You know it wouldn’t. We wouldn’t have passed from the high-school-sweethearts label.

A: So what you are saying is you were damn sure that by breaking my heart we could go past that label to what was about to unfold between us, a lifetime relationship.

M: Damn sure I was, you are right.

A: You’re wicked. And you are heartless… yet you called me that night saying you loved me.

M: I called you at 3 am that night because I knew you hated me at that moment but I wanted to make sure that you’ll love me down the road.

A: …

M: And now… that we’ve been down the road, darling… would you say you love me?

A: …

M: Do you, Antoine?

A: I hate… I hate to do this. But I guess I must admit you were right all this time… Yes, you were always right, Maggie. And I love you.

diapositiva2

 

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75* One headlight

I miss these sort of lyrics that talk to you, that give you a story and not just YOLO-kind-of phrases.

The wallflowers

From L.A. since 1989.

Usually a duo sometimes a group always a must-listen-to singer Jakob Dylan.

As a rock-band they have released 6 studio albums.

Today’s song won a Grammy in 1998 for Best Rock Song and according to Rolling Stone it is the #58 greatest pop song!

Their official music video drives you through a constant beat, wind, thunder and directly into blue eyes. Just like the song itself.

…And here the blooming lyrics (english/spanish): 

So long ago, I don’t remember when
That’s when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin’ up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There’s got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it’s cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can’t break away from this parade
But there’s got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin’ all there’s good and nothingness is dead
We’ll run until she’s out of breath
She ran until there’s nothin’ left
She hit the end-it’s just her window ledge

(…)

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn’t turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I’d like to watch it burn
I’m so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin’ dreams
I think her death it must be killin’ me

(…)

 

He #2

Featured image

– for you

No, no, wait! I didn’t ask for any cupcake.

– yeah I know you didn’t, he did… for you

– Who did?

– Me. Hi. / Oh and thanks, man. I take it from here

– Wait! No, I can’t accept it. Is his not mine, sorry.

– ugh so…

– Leave it, if she doesn’t eat it I will.

Oh well, sounds fair.

– uh great, enjoy your dessert…

– Thanks

– Thank you

– So are you really not gonna eat it?

You shouldn’t have bought me anything. Dude, I don’t even know you and…

– Oh I had to, I’ve seen you before

– What?

– Don’t freak out, let me explain myself!

– Wait, are you a stalker or something?

– What? No, no, never, is just… May I have a seat?

– Uh, well, if then you’ll explain…Yeah, yeah, sit. But give a minute to get this done. I was doing some homework but I’m afraid this chat could take longer.

Ha, take your time I didn’t mean to disturb you.

– No, don’t worry! I mean, a cupcake can’t be sooo disturbing whatsoever ha *types* Ok, done. Now explain: who are you?

– Sure I’ll do. It won’t take so long! My name is Mark, I study at NYU and I come here often. Here is where I’ve seen you before but you’re always working or reading so you never notice me. I mean neither me nor anybody else… Not judging, I actually admire how focus can you be! Anyway, the last time I saw you was like three weeks ago, you were sitting right here smiling at your computer. I was asking for my coffee at the counter but I couldn´t stop staring at you. I thought it was weird, I mean it in a good way completely, because lately is weird to see people smiling and even more if they’re smiling to their computer…

– haha so you couldn’t stop staring at me? Then I guess I was right about you. You’re just a stalker!

– What? No, come on! haha I was surprised, almost bewitched by your smile and honestly I couldn’t get you out of my mind that whole weekend. I regretted that I didn’t talk to you that day that’s why today when I finally saw you again, sitting here, I had to.

You had to buy me food?

– No, ha, I had to talk to you… and also I thought your coffee looked kind of lonely.

– Oh! Haha, now I see. And… Why did you choose a red velvet cupcake?

– Don’t you like it?

– Should you know that?

– I’m afraid of having made a bad choice

– Don’t be, you didn’t. Actually I’m the one who is afraid because you made just the perfect choice…

– Seriously?

You could ask the waiter, even though it isn´t necessary but I always ask for red velvet cupcakes.

– Always?

When I got enough money, I do ha

haha so that’s why you thought I was a stalker? I swear this was just luck!

Yeah, well great then.

– Hey I have to ask, are you single?

haha If i’m not…I can´t eat the cupcake?

– No, no, it’s all yours, just the truth.

Well… let me see *bites cupcake* mmm totally single!

haha so single must be a synonym of hungry… Just kidding! I’m glad because… I’ve been dying to tell you… that I love you.

– Wait, love? No, I’m sorry. What? Sorry, I guess I’m still one of does crazy people who actually laugh when they write “LOL” and who mean it when they say I love you. And boy, you don’t even know me so don’t say you love me.

 

Fer S.

He #1

cc

That night I danced like crazy, shaking my arms and moving my head to the electronic rhythm with my eyes closed to avoid the bright lights coming out of the stage as he carried me on his shoulders… And when the show ended he invited me to a fire with his friends near their tents so I went and some of my girlfriends went too.
There they were all partying out loud, singing, drinking and dancing but we were the only ones sitting right beside each other near the fire. I could see the shadows in his face and his hand intertwined with mine. We were talking about our lives, the music and the hype.

Suddenly he asked me about a band he was saying he didn’t like and I told him I did buy their vibe. For the first time I didn’t feel like lying. I was losing all my fears by his side. And he was surprised. He looked me in the eyes and asked “seriously, why?” I told him that I thought they were “cute and old style”. And that I liked old style. He seemed to analyze it while staring straight into my eyes and then he said “it’s true they’re old style and may be I’m starting to like it too”. I half-smiled and reply “are you by any chance implying I’m old style?” and he barely laugh while answering “I’m saying you can be really cute too”.
We stood in silence like for two seconds, smiling at each other, getting blushed cheeks and sweaty hands. And I knew that he knew that it was “the moment”. The moment when you feel like falling in love. The moment when you express that you have fallen in love. So I told him in a kind of whisper “Go on and kiss me, you fool”. And so he did.

And it was the best kiss so far. He went all the way. He kissed me with passion but carefully. His lips were gentle but strong. He started slow and suddenly went faster. He would change intensity and add cadence in that kiss. And after a few minutes when we both felt about to explode our mouths break off but our bodies still touched. He never drawn aside his gaze from mine and holding my hand he came near to my ear and asked “would you mind if we go somewhere else? My tent is nearby”.

A shiver ran through my body from my spine into my brain. It was a rush of excitement with a bit of concern but anyway I said “yes, let’s go”.

We stood up slowly, still holding hands, he didn’t even looked around as if he didn’t care about anybody else there than me. I tried to search for my girlfriends may be to tell them that I was leaving with him but nobody was looking at us, no one was even paying attention to the show. So we moved on to a quieter space.
We arrived to his tent. It was silent in that place. We could listen to the band that was playing outside but as if it was too far away. The lights were faint and there were few people around the camping space. We entered to his place, some bags, blue sheets and two pillows at the end. He sat in front of me and with his hands on my cheeks he started getting closer to me. Always measuring, paying attention and being careful until his mouth was jointed with mine. And then there was no turning back.

It was wild, we were young and we felt free. Everything seemed a cliché because it felt like a teenage dream. His lips were pressing my lips and his hands were wandering on me. Then my arms were tangled around his neck and his arms were around my waist. He pulled me closer to him as I tried to take off his shirt. After his hand found its way to my bra down my blouse he frantically took off his pants while I kept crumpling his hair between my fingers. He kept kissing every part of me at every second. He went from my mouth down my neck to my chest and beyond. He wouldn’t stop saying “you’re beautiful” and “I think I’m in love”. His hand went down my skirt, he pressed my tights and calves. He opened his eyes just to stare straight into mine or to say “you’re a goddess” while he hold me close. At moments we perceived the music in the distance and the lights of different colors but it just made everything more surreal.

We were almost getting down to it. He was only wearing boxers by now and the last thing left to take off from me was my lingerie. And he was just about to do it when I broke off. I distanced myself abruptly from him and with frightened eyes I stood staring at him. Even with his messy hair and his red neck he still looked as sexy as the first time I saw him or even sexier now if possible.

Afterwards all thoughts rushed into my brain at once. “He’s going to hate me” “I’m going to lose him” “He won’t accept this”. But anyway I wasn’t going to change my mind. I just met him. Fine, we were young, we were free but were we in love? I didn’t want to make a mistake. At first I thought that with him I wouldn’t mind to but it turned out that I did mind. I couldn’t do it just then with a stranger even if that stranger was as irresistible as he was. “So what I do now?” I thought still looking scared I bet.

Suddenly he lay back fully relaxed almost amused. He stared at me and half-smiled. Awkwardly I didn’t feel the need to cover myself up even when I didn’t know what was he thinking and even thought I still was just wearing my bra and my panties and he was still in front of me wearing only boxers. I felt kind of comfortable it seemed to me as a safe area but still I couldn’t find the words to say. Because what to say?

“We can go slower if you want” he finally said. And I couldn’t believe that! I was expecting all kind of rejection phrases but this. He was agreeing with my thoughts! And not only he read my mind but also my heart because just then he leaned on me, slowly and carefully as only he knew.

All at once his face was so close to mine that we were breathing the same air, his eyes fixed on mine and his hands again on my waist. “I like you. I really do. More than music or alternative groups.” And of course I laughed at the comparison but kept staring into his eyes. A deep green color and they were shining even in the dark. He smiled. Full smile this time and he almost laughed too but in-between his laugh and his smile he kissed me one more time. Hard and overwhelming as if he was stealing my soul through that kiss.
And then he hugged me. My hair falling down his chest. His arms around mine. Our bodies half naked melting at once. He kissed my neck and slowly my back. I wasn’t scared or even preoccupied. Because he wasn’t planning to change my mind and I knew it by the way he acted. He was holding me close as if he never wanted to let go and all along we lie down together.

We lie down facing each other under the blue sheets to the head. His fingers brushed my hair and his gaze drilled my eyes. We got as closer to each other as we could. Until our noses touched and our bodies shared heat. He kissed me. Short kisses this time. Lips mainly. Long periods. He would also kissed my forehead and the corner of my mouth leaving me wanting more or just wanting him not to stop.
And while listening absentminded to indie rock music far-off, while being kissed by his lips and while feeling his breath on my skin I fell asleep…

Fer S.

51* Roger Rabbit

I loved the title of this song and even though I guess it poped out of nostalgia it’s a must-listen to!

“Sleeping with Sirens”

American alternative-rock band and sometimes post-hardcore band from Orlando, Florida. Formed in 2009. Four members.

The official music video of this song is so natural that it actually makes me want to pay more attention to the words it resembles because this is an advice-song we all should pay attention to.

 

That’s why aside from seeing the band members playing in the beach and the lead singer looking straight into our souls (through all the hair in his face) this video doesn’t narrates any specific story but leads us with the sound of its guitar to undeniable THRUTHS:

 

1. Nobody is going to love you if you don’t love yourself first.

2. We all got friends and enemies too.

3.  If there’s no “right” way to say the thruth still say it.

4. People tend to criticize us when they feel stronger so remain strong or

5. Remember that -most of the times- bullies are just as broken as you are but they are so incapable of getting up by themselves that they step on others first, I know, you shouldn’t let them step on you but still remember you can’t tear them down because perhaps they are already down.

6. Everyone is trying to be “someone” so even if we’re not on top, we’re not alone.

7. Show confidence in yourself. If you buy it then everyone will.

8. The only one who can bring up the best out of you is YOU so if you need to improve, start now and stop waiting for someone else to come and save you.

9. Accept when something is over so you know when it’s time to step up and walk away.

10. We only have today. The past and the future doesn’t exist so never keep yourself from doing or saying what you want to do or say, just DO it now.

11. Life didn’t come with an instruction manual so make your best effort and know that even when you make mistakes you’ll have to get over them, hold on and keep trying.

12. Don’t blame others for your fauls. Be responsible and be brave enough to face the consequences.

13. Examine yourself, be honest and identify your weaknesses in order to improve. The only way to amend what we don’t like is to change it ourselves.

14. Listen to your heart. Do what makes you happy. Treasure what you love. Fight for what you believe in.

 

…And the lovely lyrics (spanish/english):

Is there a right way for how this goes
You’ve got your friends
And you’ve got your foes
They want a piece of something hot
Forget your name like they forgot

Ain’t that something

So when I see you crash and burn
I criticize your every word
I’m trying to keep from going insane
Ain’t that the way of this whole damn thing

Trying to be something..
more

Nobody’s gonna love you if
You can’t display a way to capture this
Nobody’s gonna hold your hand
And guide you through
No it’s up for you to understand
Nobody’s gonna feel your pain
When all is done
and it’s time for you to walk away

So when you have today
You should say all that you have to say

Say all that you have to say

Is there a right way for being strong
Feels like I’m doing things all wrong
Still I’m here just holding on
Confess my heart and forgive my wrongs

Just trying to show you something..
More

(…)

Don’t point the blame when you can’t find nothing
Look to yourself and you might find something
It’s time that we sorted out
All of the things
We complain about

So listen close to the sound of your soul
Take back a life
We led once before
If it ain’t you then who
If it ain’t you
Then who’s gonna love you

(…)